Comments on: By Way of Introduction…Specifically, The Femme Question

By: Jen

Jen — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 21:35:20 +0000

Wow, this is an amazing essay, and I love the responses people have made. I also have felt like I don’t belong in the femme community because I don’t dress in high femme… I often wear more androgynous clothing, and as a feminist do not believe it serves me to be obsessed with my appearance. As someone up above said, my femme identity is more about this: “there’s an internal grace, a feminine energy, a suppleness, an ability and an inclination to flow around people like water, to help them shine and focus themselves and to nurture and protect them.” I love that– it really gets at what gender identity means to me, that it’s not just about clothing or make up, but about one’s very essence.

I also carry with me a sense that I cannot trust other femmes; in my experience, many femmes I know have gone after other people’s girlfriends. I have personally experienced this, watching femme “friends” flirt voraciously with my butch gf. Honestly, I have pulled away from some femme friends because I felt a fear that they would betray me in this way as they had other people.

I do have some femme friends who are very wonderful, and I am grateful for them. These femmes are not obsessed with appearance, thinness, or image, and I feel I can relate to them authentically without fear.

Thank you for writing!

By: Why the Y? « A Consuming Desire

Why the Y? « A Consuming Desire — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 17:11:10 +0000

[...] did when I started thinking about whether to claim a femme identity. I’ve written about this before, but I certainly had my misconceptions. The same goes for butch. I was out a couple of nights ago [...]

By: LesbianWitch

LesbianWitch — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 00:38:15 +0000

Hi I’m LesbianWitch, a high femme Dianic friend of BarbRyan. I am legally married to a soft butch, some would say andro. I have to agree that the butch and femme dance is an appreciation of the balance of energies. These energies MOVE and adapt to situations and occassions. For example I am soft and tender with my beloved, but if anyone dare threaten her and I’ll turn into a fierce tiger! My wife and I have many similarities, some qualities are feminine and some are masculine. The butch femme roles do not limit us, we are ourselves and within that we have typical butch and femme emotional styles, jobs and interests. We both love being women and wouldn’t have it any other way. As a Dianic I see masculine and feminine energy as a continuim personified in the Goddess. For example Aphrodite and Artemis are like a butch femme couple. More than that my wife and I are free at anytime to access any of the various Goddess energies that we may need at the time. It has been said that the feminine and in this case femmenine seeks strength in her partner whereas her partner seeks beauty in her. I say butches and femmes seek beauty AND strength in each other, these qualities just manifest in different ways and/or at different times.
BarbRyan thanks for directing me to this site. I don’t know if Butch-Femme.com would ‘get’ my Dianic skew on this.
Goddess Bless Sisters

By: BarbRyan

BarbRyan — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 11:50:10 +0000

I like the way you describe a femme/butch relationship Buddhistfemme as a complement. I think of the yin/yang symbol. I love this discussion and the points you brought up. This is the first empowering and deep discussion about femmes I’ve been a part of. Most of them, like Muse mentioned, focus on external, outward appearance, rather than the internal.

Thank you!!

By: buddhistfemme

buddhistfemme — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 19:45:53 +0000

For me, coming from more of a Buddhist perspective, I would say that nothing exists in opposition to anything else-it’s all interdependent. However, as far as my own attraction is concerned, I don’t think of it as a butch/femme opposition…more like two identities complementing each other. I have much is common with my butch lovers. And I think two butch identities can complement each other, or a FTM and a femme, and so on. I think each relationship is different and how you relate to each new partner, will obviously reflect the dynamics of that particular arrangement.

By: Michele

Michele — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 19:31:44 +0000

Does being femme have to be in opposition to a butch identity? It seems it always is in literature and in real life. I have some trouble with this concept because as a femme I now date a tomboy and her attraction to me is less about me being femme, while with my butch loves it was ALL about that.

By: buddhistfemme

buddhistfemme — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 18:43:32 +0000

Sounds good to me- we will be the founding members!

By: muse

muse — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 18:24:56 +0000

wow, this is a lovely examination of coming to an identity. I have shared your suspicions of the (materialistic, spoiled, etc.) femme community at large, and it almost kept me from claiming femme for myself. once, in an early attempt to seek out community, I was surrounded by a group of queer femmes who were discussing the identity primarily by way of their painted nails, their dresses, their hair, their heels, and so on to the extent that I was moved to ask, “is there anything else to being femme besides how you look?” and was met with silence. I was alienated by the idea that femmes had to look a certain way, that their queered gender presentation was just as compulsory as heterornormative femininity.

but I began to realize that I could do femme my own way, and the identity started to open up and feel liberating to me. while the performative, superficial aspects are a big part of its inherent power, since it so handily subverts femininity and uses it to prop up and validate the butches (or other hot queers) on our arms, it certainly isn’t all there is to it.

there’s an internal grace, a feminine energy, a suppleness, an ability and an inclination to flow around people like water, to help them shine and focus themselves and to nurture and protect them. once I came to recognize and validate that femmeness in myself, it felt natural for the external part to reflect that.

so, buddhist femme, let’s get started on that supportive, substantive femme community, shall we? I hear it only takes two to start such a thing.

By: BarbaraRyan

BarbaraRyan — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 17:16:36 +0000

Your essay is one of the most beautiful and inspiring ones I’ve read. I’ve struggled with the femme label myself. And I have tried to appear more butch, but I find it doesn’t fit me. It feels fake. Your essay makes me want to reclaim my femininity. Thanks!