My (Skinny) Femme Body

I’ve been reading some great writing by fat identified femmes lately about having pride in one’s body. Reading about size acceptance (from a queer perspective specifically) has been amazing, especially because I hear so little of it from my heterosexual female friends. Now I’d like to write about my own body pride…skinny pride.

Now I know it’s much easier to be thin in this culture than to be overweight or even of average weight. So I don’t want to downplay that, just share my own experience. I was a skinny, scrawny kid growing up- usually the shortest in the class (I’m now 5′2″) and often of the least weight. It was an area of embarrassment for me. I remember when girls in middle school started filling out and wearing bras and I was still relegated to undershirts. I longed for the day when I would get my very first bra and tried to cover up in the locker room so no one would notice that I was still flat as a board. (It’s been interesting reading about the reverse horror that many butches felt when they did start to grow breasts.)

Another issue I came across being small was that other kids would often pick me up exclaiming how light and little I was. Not only was this an invasion of my personal space, it was demeaning and disrespectful. At home, I was subject to comments from my mother about how it wasn’t fair that she gave me better than what she had (she was referring to genes). My mother has had a long struggle and many insecurities about her weight (she’s probably of about average weight) and I remember being a young girl and seeing her cry in department store dressing rooms because she hated her body. I observed quietly and felt guilty that I had something she didn’t. I also remember the day when I found diet pills in my teenaged sister’s bedroom. Again, I felt guilty that I was somehow exempt from this struggle and also a separateness because this was something that they and other women shared.

My best friend growing up was also skinny- maybe we were drawn to each other partly because of that. She too longed for curves and wanted to gain weight. I still recall how we used to eat large meals and then lay down hoping it would stick. It didn’t.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve experienced the resentment some more. When I was working at a corporate job (didn’t last long there), the other women would always comment on what I was eating for lunch and talk about how lucky I was to not have to diet like them. It was like I wasn’t even there and again, I felt separate…not part of the “women” club. At my current job, I’ve had a co-worker say to me (in front of my boss and others) that I looked skinny and how she hoped I wasn’t starving myself. I know that comment had more to do with her own issues, but I was embarrassed and angry at the right she felt she had to comment on my body like that. This comes up a lot for me- from other women feeling like it’s perfectly acceptable to comment on my body. Unless you’re a close friend and you know how I feel about my body, that’s not your place and I don’t comment on other women’s bodies either. I would never tell someone that they looked like they gained weight or lost weight for that matter- you never know about someone’s specific situation or what their insecurities are. And likewise, I should not be accused of having an eating disorder in front of my colleagues.

Recently, however, I’m learning to take pride in my body. I eat healthy and exercise and I’m still skinny, but that’s ok. I realize that I shouldn’t have to feel guilty about it. My healthy body happens to be a skinny body. I felt like  writing about this now because some of the femme writing I’ve been reading often makes reference to large, curvy, voluptuous bodies, which is great and much needed and I find those bodies sexy too. But I noticed some of the old insecurities bubbling up in me again. I’ve got some curves, but I’m also a 32A. I guess I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that that doesn’t make me any less womanly, sexy or femme. I still experience fleeting thoughts of feeling like a teenaged boy in the midst of curvy women, but I acknowledge it as an old tendency and let it go. I remember that one isn’t better than the other, just different. So I in no way mean to elicit pity from this post- I know that in comparison to larger folks, what I’ve experienced might not seem like a big deal. But I just wanted to share my experience around size acceptance. I think many people assume skinny girls just love their bodies and never have to think about it, but that certainly hasn’t been the case for me.

And for the record, small girls aren’t as fragile as we look. I’ve had so many lovers express concern about hurting me (which is thoughtful), but bring it on. I can take it and if I can’t, I’ll let you know  

(Btw- a great skinny girls can be sexy song is Peaches’ AA XXX)

And PS- this turned into a longer post than I expected and I still have more to say, so I’ll probably come back to it at some point, but it would be great to get some feedback.