And Sometimes You Just Need a Nap

I’ve been running around like crazy for the last few weeks. I’m taking five graduate psychology courses, working part-time and taking a Buddhism class on Saturdays. A month ago, before this all started, I even had the idea that I’d like to volunteer. Apparently I was feeling quite ambitious when I was planning my fall. School is amazing- I love it and feel like I’m finally on the right track, but it’s an enormous amount of work. Studying a subject like psychology in particular is especially demanding. It’s personal, it seeps into every part of your life and it brings up a lot in the way of self analysis and appraisal. I dream about psychology and my thoughts sound like whatever textbook I was reading the night before as soon as I open my eyes. I also have my classes with the same group of people- my last graduate degree wasn’t like this at all. It’s really intense being thrown into a group like that- not to mention that this is a very “type A” group. I found myself making a run for it after my final class last week.

Yesterday I got up early, dragged my laundry to the laundromat and ran to the farmer’s market while my clothes were in the dryer. (Everything lately revolves around time efficiency.) As I returned with my groceries, I realized that my clothes were finished- someone had thrown them on a table, so I gathered them, along with all of my bedding and carried them up the stairs (4th floor walkup) with my groceries to my apartment. I put everything away and cleaned my room with the plan to eat and rush to my Sat. class when my ex called. We were due for a conversation and as I was telling her about seeing all the coupled up lesbos at the farmer’s market with their girlfriends and my broken closet door, she said that if she was here (she lives across the country), she would fix it…and I just started crying. I don’t know what it was- exhaustion or loneliness or what, but it felt really good. I think it’s just that moment of realizing that yes- though I can do everything myself, it would be nice to have some help once in a while. Sometimes I get in this really independent super woman type mode, which is great for getting things done, but I can’t keep it up all of the time. Moments like that help me realize the type of intimacy I want though. I think I get really scared about the prospect of being dependent on anyone but myself, but wanting (and knowing when I need) a helping hand does not require sacrificing my independence. There’s a balance. For instance, my roommate spent the day taking a practice LSAT yesterday and she came home last night and got dressed up because her girlfriend was taking her on a date- a little reward- and I thought that was so sweet and how I’d like to have that. It’s the good kind of intimacy.

So anyway, after I got off the phone, I decided to skip my Sat. class and I sat down to read and my eyes were heavy, so I did something completely crazy…I took a nap…and didn’t even set the alarm. It was a relief and I was able to get up after and approach my work with fresh eyes. I’m not sure what the point of this post is, besides relating what I’ve been up to, but if there’s a moral to the story- it’s know and accept your limits and that sometimes admitting that a little help would be nice doesn’t make you co-dependent, it makes you human.