My dark brown hair has recently been invaded by more and more grey. I used to just pull the noticeable ones out, but ever since we had to watch a documentary on trichotillomania in one of my psych. classes, I have an aversion to even the most subtle hair pulling (“pulling out” I should say- I still like hair pulling). Also, I’ve been growing out my hair for months and now I can finally wear it up, but this also makes the grey more noticeable. I never thought grey hair would bother me much, but I have to say, I’ve been bothered. I mean I love when older women have natural, long and flowing grey hair- I find it really beautiful. But I’m 29 and I guess I’m not at that point yet myself.
As I was deciding whether or not to dye my hair over the last couple of weeks, many thoughts came to mind. Am I being vain? Why is something this insignificant affecting my self-esteem? Am I in some kind of denial about aging? Am I conforming to sexist beauty standards? I could go on, but you get the picture. On a more positive note, I thought the grey made me look older and being that I’m going to be a therapist (and I look quite young), this could be a good thing. I’ll ruin the surprise ending, I bit the bullet and did it and I’m quite happy with it. I paid my trusted hair boy more than I would have liked, but now my hair is a pretty deep brown with reddish undertones. He also put some lighter pieces in my bangs to “create depth.”
I did it yesterday and met up with some friends last night for cocktails and dinner and was talking about it with one of the butches in attendance. I was explaining about how the grey was bothering me and she said something to effect of, “well yeah and you’re a femme”, i.e.- better keep up appearances. Now she’s one of the sweetest people I know and I’m sure she wasn’t trying to be a jerk, but it caught me a bit off guard. In the same way that grey hair on men is viewed as a mark of distinction, does the same apply to butches…and not femmes? Are we expected to do more to remain attractive? Not that I don’t enjoy the “doing more”- I get expensive haircuts, go to the gym, get pedicures, buy new clothes and perfume. But I guess it’s the idea that there’s an expectation that bothers me. But is it really an expectation in the queer community- specifically the butch/femme community? What do other people think?
Also, this isn’t to say that butches (or the butches I typically like) don’t engage in a certain amount of primping- sexy barbershop haircuts, jackets and ties, cologne, etc., but femme primping seems more expensive and time consuming. Am I wrong butches? I don’t know what you fellas do when we’re not there. All that being said, I feel good without the grey and wish I did it even sooner. Maybe I’ll have long grey hair one day (and totally rock it), but not today.
I’m quite particular vain about my haircolor. Truth be told, I don’t know if I have any gray and I don’t care to find out.
I am interested in the conversation you had with your butch friend, though. I would be disappointed to learn that there is an expectation in the community — I don’t think there is is our little one here.
I have a friend who is in her 20s and is completely grey, and her hair grows really fast. She looks great with grey hair but after people repeatedly thought she was her gf’s mom she caved and dyed it. So expectations outside the community are really strong too. I have a hard time thinking of a woman over 30 among my circle of friends/acquaintances who doesn’t dye her hair at all.
My butch says that having grey hair is not a disqualifier for her thinking a woman is hot, for what it’s worth! She is finding grey hairs in her brown hair this year too, but I think she’s going to leave them alone for now. I have moderately pale blond hair, so theoretically the grey won’t show that much, if my dad’s hair is any guide, but I haven’t found any yet.
[...] Silver Foxes Posted on January 28, 2009 by sublimefemme Do silver foxes really exist among women or is being considered gray and foxy only possible if have male privilege and/or are Anderson Cooper? My beloved grandmother died at the age of 96 (actually, we’re not exactly sure how old she was) and she was still coloring her hair brown right up until the end. I’ve been coloring my hair for years, and am not ashamed to say that I do it because I’m vain. Period. (Have you seen buddhistfemme’s interesting post on the decision to color her hair, “To Dye or Not to Dye?”). [...]
I think femmes are sexiest when they’re confident. If that means letting all the grey hang out or coloring it at the first sign of grey, it’s fine by me. I like a woman who takes care of herself, and I don’t view grey hair as an indicator of neglect.
My hair is pretty short, yet I own more product (expensive stuff, I might add) for it than most femmes I know. I get ready pretty quickly, but deliberately. It takes a lot of effort on my part to look like I’m perfectly imperfect. As for the grey, I have none yet at 34, but I’m thinking that when it arrives, I’ll let it stay.
I’ve been pondering this with two of my friends. I started coloring to amuse myself, but, as my friend would say, “I’ve been checking” below and it’s quite horrifying. Well, to say the least, that got shaved off! However, my stylist used the word “gra”y for the first time so I am beginning to wonder. People like me and remember me as reddish brown. I suspect if I was with someone, it wouldn’t bother me as much. But, I guess I’m still “on the market” so I’m thinking I need to keep it up.