Before I was able to say, “I like butch women” I used to say, “I like butchy girls.” The use of the word “butch” all on its own sounded too scary or definite…or something. I was reminded of this recently when a friend told me that she considered herself “femmey”, but not “femme.” She had a certain idea of what “femme” is- dresses everyday, hyper (one kind of) femininity, etc. I tried to explain that her stereotype is only one way to do femme and certainly not the only way. I suppose the “y” makes it an adjective, one descriptor among possibly many, rather than a noun, which can stand all on its own.
But what’s so scary about butch/femme? I think people jump right to the stereotypes. I know I did when I started thinking about whether to claim a femme identity. I’ve written about this before, but I certainly had my misconceptions. The same goes for butch. I was out a couple of nights ago with a butch friend and a heterosexual guy friend. Somehow the question came up of whether my friend was butch and my hetero friend said no and I said yes. Now I know the real issue is how she chooses to identify herself (we were just engaged in a light just-for-fun discussion), but it seemed he said no because he viewed butch in a negative way- kind of that tough, cold and withholding stereotype.
I kind of vacillate between the “people can call themselves whatever they want and who really cares” idea and the desire for more people to embrace butch/femme identity. I think the more we’re scared about this, the more these stereotypes remain in place. I know I’ve been guilty of telling someone that yes, I’m femme, but I’m not like those [insert stereotypes] femmes. As I’ve become more aware of this tendency, I’ve been more comfortable calling myself femme- no y, no qualifiers- because I think if I don’t fit someone’s stereotype of what that means, then good, we’re opening it up.
Anyone else have thoughts about femmey/butchy vs. femme/butch?
i pretty well agree with what you’ve said here.
i tend, i think, to use “butchy/femmey” when i don’t know how someone identifies because it’s just an adjective.
I like what you say here, it’s important to reclaim terms and adapt them or break the stereotypes.
I’m happy to call myself butch these days but in the past would have considered it a negative term. Funny how things change (for the better.
Just found your site, so hello!
I identify as butch, but it took me a long time to get there because of my own negative perceptions of the word. Rough. Cold. Detached. I didn’t think I was one of *those.* I got over it though, as I’ve come to terms with the fact that we all use labels (that’s how we sort things, as humans) and labels can change. I also know that I rock my own version of butch, and being comfortable in my own skin has made all the difference.