Before I was able to say, “I like butch women” I used to say, “I like butchy girls.”  The use of the word “butch” all on its own sounded too scary or definite…or something. I was reminded of this recently when a friend told me that she considered herself “femmey”, but not “femme.” She had a certain idea of what “femme” is- dresses everyday, hyper (one kind of) femininity, etc. I tried to explain that her stereotype is only one way to do femme and certainly not the only way. I suppose the “y” makes it an adjective, one descriptor among possibly many, rather than a noun, which can stand all on its own.

But what’s so scary about butch/femme? I think people jump right to the stereotypes. I know I did when I started thinking about whether to claim a femme identity. I’ve written about this before, but I certainly had my misconceptions. The same goes for butch. I was out a couple of nights ago with a butch friend and a heterosexual guy friend. Somehow the question came up of whether my friend was butch and my hetero friend said no and I said yes. Now I know the real issue is how she chooses to identify herself (we were just engaged in a light just-for-fun discussion), but it seemed he said no because he viewed butch in a negative way- kind of that tough, cold and withholding stereotype.

I kind of vacillate between the “people can call themselves whatever they want and who really cares” idea and the desire for more people to embrace butch/femme identity. I think the more we’re scared about this, the more these stereotypes remain in place. I know I’ve been guilty of telling someone that yes, I’m femme, but I’m not like those [insert stereotypes] femmes. As I’ve become more aware of this tendency, I’ve been more comfortable calling myself femme- no y, no qualifiers- because I think if I don’t fit someone’s stereotype of what that means, then good, we’re opening it up.

Anyone else have thoughts about femmey/butchy vs. femme/butch?

My dark brown hair has recently been invaded by more and more grey. I used to just pull the noticeable ones out, but ever since we had to watch a documentary on trichotillomania in one of my psych. classes, I have an aversion to even the most subtle hair pulling (“pulling out” I should say- I still like hair pulling). Also, I’ve been growing out my hair for months and now I can finally wear it up, but this also makes the grey more noticeable. I never thought grey hair would bother me much, but I have to say, I’ve been bothered. I mean I love when older women have natural, long and flowing grey hair- I find it really beautiful. But I’m 29 and I guess I’m not at that point yet myself.

As I was deciding whether or not to dye my hair over the last couple of weeks, many thoughts came to mind. Am I being vain? Why is something this insignificant affecting my self-esteem? Am I in some kind of denial about aging? Am I conforming to sexist beauty standards? I could go on, but you get the picture. On a more positive note, I thought the grey made me look older and being that I’m going to be a therapist (and I look quite young), this could be a good thing. I’ll ruin the surprise ending, I bit the bullet and did it and I’m quite happy with it. I paid my trusted hair boy more than I would have liked, but now my hair is a pretty deep brown with reddish undertones. He also put some lighter pieces in my bangs to “create depth.”

I did it yesterday and met up with some friends last night for cocktails and dinner and was talking about it with one of the butches in attendance. I was explaining about how the grey was bothering me and she said something to effect of, “well yeah and you’re a femme”, i.e.- better keep up appearances. Now she’s one of the sweetest people I know and I’m sure she wasn’t trying to be a jerk, but it caught me a bit off guard. In the same way that grey hair on men is viewed as a mark of distinction, does the same apply to butches…and not femmes? Are we expected to do more to remain attractive? Not that I don’t enjoy the “doing more”- I get expensive haircuts, go to the gym, get pedicures, buy new clothes and perfume. But I guess it’s the idea that there’s an expectation that bothers me. But is it really an expectation in the queer community- specifically the butch/femme community? What do other people think?

Also, this isn’t to say that butches (or the butches I typically like) don’t engage in a certain amount of primping- sexy barbershop haircuts, jackets and ties, cologne, etc., but femme primping seems more expensive and time consuming. Am I wrong butches? I don’t know what you fellas do when we’re not there. All that being said, I feel good without the grey and wish I did it even sooner. Maybe I’ll have long grey hair one day (and totally rock it), but not today.

Tonight while I was meditating, I engaged in Tonglen practice. Tonglen is when you bring to mind someone you know who is experiencing pain and you visualize yourself breathing in their suffering and breathing out compassion, light, healing- whatever they might be needing. I used to do this practice more often and usually I only do a couple of people per sitting because it can be quite intense. But tonight, being that tomorrow is New Years, I just let my mind wander and as people floated through my head, I paused and brought them into my awareness and thought about their suffering, attempted to take some of it in and let it go. At the end, I practiced Tonglen for myself.

This process brought to mind a talk I attended by Dossie Easton back in October in which she spoke about BDSM as a sort of therapeutic process- about how there is a great potential for vulnerability and healing in it. I couldn’t agree more. With a trusted partner, a space can be created for all sorts of wounds to be re-experienced and sometimes, I think, we can even let them go. Easton compared a BDSM scene to lovingkindness meditation, which is related to Tonglen- I think she might have in fact meant to say Tonglen. But the point was that in taking part in a scene with our partner, we have the opportunity to breathe in sorrow, allowing our sorrow to awaken, and breathe out compassion for ourselves, our partner, the world-  whoever or whatever seems meaningful in that moment. I really like that idea. For me (coming from a bottom’s perspective), something about the physical pain taps into all of those deep, dark, usually impossible to reach places and then there comes a release. And if this can be achieved with a partner who you love, the potential seems all the more vast. Easton said that nothing builds intimacy like shared vulnerability and I think she’s right. Problem is so few people are willing to trust and let themselves go. It makes me sad to think of all the great loves that have been given up or sabotaged because of fear.

So tonight, I tried to breathe out some of my own fear and pain so that I can start the new year lighter and more open. While I’ve been working at strengthening my individual practice, I feel like the next step is to integrate a relationship- to really open up and trust someone. I think there are certain parts of yourself you can only learn in relation to another. While the Buddhist part of me is keeping in mind the truth of impermanence and the dangers of attachment, the romantic part of me is excited to start the new year with an open heart.

Wishing everyone much peace and love in 2009…

I actually posted this on another blog, but thought folks here might be interested too. This obviously impacts the young LGBT community as well.  -BF

Last weekend I attended a talk, moderated by Gloria Steinem, entitled “Sex Trafficking and the New Abolitionists” (video available here). Her panel consisted of Rachel Lloyd, Executive Director of GEMS (Girls Educational & Mentoring Services) and Taina Bien-Aime, Executive Director of Equality Now. It was an eye-opening afternoon…to say the least.

Prior to attending the talk, when I thought of sex “trafficking” I tended to associate it with an international context- women and children (and occasionally men) brought to the U.S. under false conditions or completely against their will who then become victims of sexual exploitation. This is, of course, part of the problem. But the afternoon also focused on the alarming numbers of local children being forced into the sex industry. NOW-NYC estimates the number of children involved in New York City’s sex trade to be near 4,000. Of those, 85% are girls and 67% are African American. Lloyd, who is herself a survivor, founded GEMS to provide much needed social services to this under served population. Her work with these young women was recently chronicled in a documentary, Very Young Girls, which is currently playing on Showtime (who btw has a late night lineup including titles like Young Girls Do and Young and Tempting- nice) and also available  for purchase on the GEMS Web site (you can get a free copy by agreeing to host a viewing). We were shown a 10-minute clip that was both heartbreaking and infuriating- the home video footage of the pimps scouting for new girls was the infuriating part.

Some good news is that last September Governor Paterson signed the “Safe Harbor for Exploited Youth Act” which says that individuals under the age of 18 who are arrested for “prostitution” will now receive intervention services and community- based programming, rather than being treated as juvenile delinquents in the criminal justice system. This is certainly a step in the right direction. However, this is an issue that deserves more attention than it receives. Too often, when we hear about the sex industry at all, it’s when a public figure is involved. Both Lloyd and Bien-Aime spoke of their extreme disappointment when Elliot Spitzer, who had been such an advocate for their cause, was caught paying for sex. What’s worse is that when this happens, the women involved are often portrayed in the press as leading glamorous sex-positive lives. This gives people the wrong idea about the sex industry. Sure, there may be a small percentage of women involved for whom it is 100% a choice. But the sad truth is that the vast majority are forced into it, come from abusive backgrounds and are dealing with mental health issues (depression, PTSD, substance abuse, etc.).

When an audience member asked for some practical steps she could take to help, the panelists urged her to get the word out, especially to the men in her life (there would be no supply without demand). Additionally, folks might consider hosting a screening of the film or helping GEMS directly by making a donation. Their donation page also contains a link to their Target wish list so you can provide the girls they serve with clothing and everyday items they need. Seems like an easy way to take some right action this holiday season.

I should be writing a paper instead of a blog post right now, but so be it. Something crazy happened on Tuesday evening. I was riding the subway home with a friend from class and there was this paranoid girl (a teenager) yelling at people for looking at her. No one was looking at her…of course. My friend and I continued talking and tried to ignore her when she got in my face. I calmly told her that no one was looking at her and that I didn’t have a problem with her. She was moving around a lot and ended up standing by the door and my back was a bit turned (not smart) and when the doors opened she came around and punched me in the face and took off running. Apparently she punched some guy on the platform too, or so my friend told me. I was too busy holding my face to notice.

I was in complete shock when it happened. My stop was next, so I just got off and walked home. I didn’t bother filing a police report- some people said I should have. I just wanted to get home and when I got home I cried. It didn’t help that this is the most stressful school week ever- papers to write, presentations to give, finals to take. I was already feeling stressed and exhausted and this incident just threw me over the edge. It’s such a strange thing to be attacked like that…not to mention getting punched in the face hurts. It’s also humiliating. I kind of pride myself on having good street smarts- I can usually sense trouble and react accordingly. Maybe it was that it was early and there were other people on the train or that I had the added comfort of being with a friend, but I was definitely taken off guard. I just keep replaying it in my head.

Maybe because of all the psychology classes I’m taking at the moment, my thoughts walking home were centered on trying to figure out why someone would do that…what was wrong with her. The concept of Buddhist compassion floated through my head, but i just didn’t (or still don’t) quite know what to make of it. My therapist encouraged me to get angry, but I couldn’t really access those feelings. She questioned my decision not to file a police report. I told her I was in pain and just wanted to get home, but also I think there’s the issue of feeling like a victim in some way. It doesn’t sit well with me. She said I don’t let myself be vulnerable. Maybe she’s right. Perhaps being punched in the face is a lesson that, like it or not, we’re all vulnerable at times.

So, before I extend compassion, I’m going to try to be angry. Living in NY, we’re used to having our privacy and space encroached upon all the time, but to have your body violated in such a way is infuriating…and scary. If anything, I’m angry that I’m now scanning the train more than I used to and that I can’t take my safety for granted. I’m also angry that I lost a night of studying and writing papers because I had to hold an ice pack to my face and my head hurt. I’m angry that I still had a headache and a sore eye yesterday as I was trying to take a final. I’m angry that other people have told me what they would have done in that situation, when it happened so quick, I doubt anyone could have done anything and that their “advice” implies I did something wrong.

I guess that’s a good place to start…and now it’s back to work, with a clearer head I hope.

A couple of years ago I made a list of what I was looking for in a partner. I do it as a quick first thing that comes into my mind kind of thing. I think it’s interesting to sit back after and see what ended up on the list (in what order) and what did not. It can be quite telling. A couple of weeks ago I decided to do it again. Thought it would be fun to share the results…

• Compassionate
• Socially Conscious
• Intelligent & Curious
• Passionate
• Butch
• Sexually Adventurous/into BDSM
• Into going to nerdy lectures with me
• Supportive
• Wanting to be in a relationship
• Able to laugh at themselves (at least once in a while)
• Open to exploring spirituality (meditation, tantra, etc.)
• Up for going out with my friends sometimes
• Free of drinking/drug problems
• Chivalrous & Romantic
• Confident
• Finds me attractive/sexy
• Good dresser
• Not overly materialistic
• Likes to travel
• Can be spontaneous
• Knows when I need help
• Likes animals
• Reliable
• Honest
• Kind
• Attractive
• Trusts me

Of course I’m not expecting to find someone who has every single thing on the list…top 5…actually make that top 6 would be nice though

I’ve been quite remiss in posting lately- grad school has gotten the best of me. I am keeping a running list of topics though for when I have the time. However, being that consumerism is one of my favorite topics, I couldn’t help but take a few minutes to comment on the Walmart tragedy today. A 34 year old part-time worker was trampled to death by a mob at a Long Island Walmart as shoppers rushed the doors early this morning. The store was temporarily closed, but apparently reopened at 1pm and was again filled with Black Friday shoppers. Several others were reportedly injured, including a 28 year old pregnant woman. 

Mob psychology aside, this appalling event is indicative of a much larger problem in this country. Thousands of people lined up all over the nation this morning to buy things they don’t need during a time of economic crisis. The corporate consumerist ethos has trickled down and made us sick with greed. A man is dead because people wanted $50 off a tv! And stores set up this mayhem by advertising “extremely limited quantities” and “special prices from 5-8am”.

People need to get it through their heads that no amount of “stuff” will lead to fulfillment. If anything good can come out of this economic downturn, I would hope that it would be people realizing that they can make due with less. If anything good can come of this man’s death, I hope it will be a wake-up call to some and a call for compassion and caring. That’s what holidays should be about.

Performance artist/activist Reverend Billy is doing some excellent work in this area. I urge folks to check out his documentary What Would Jesus Buy?. It seems especially timely today.

So many things to say about the Queer Bodies in Psychotherapy conference last weekend…and so much homework I should be doing right now. I’ve decided to break it up into multiple posts. I’d like to begin by discussing a panel I attended on Saturday entitled “Butch Lesbians: A Vanishing Breed”. The presentation about butch identity included nothing I feel hasn’t been discussed in greater detail by butches in the queer blogging community. However, the discussion that followed brought about some interesting and much needed dialogue. The audience consisted of established mental health professionals (most from the Bay Area) and students- mostly women and a few trans guys. A theme that emerged over the entire weekend seemed to be the younger generation constantly having to bring up gender and ask for more inclusion- for instance in the talk on “same-sex” couples counseling, it was brought to the presenters’ attention that “queer” might be a better term.  

What was great about the discussion was the mix of people and perspectives in the room. I personally have never had the opportunity to be in a room with young genderqueer folks, butches, femmes, trans guys, women that were involved in the radical feminist movement of the 1970s and people like me who were born in the 1970s. I strongly believe there needs to be more opportunity for dialogue among these groups (and it’s something I hope to work into my clinical training). A couple of the older practitioners expressed some concern that many women seem to be making the choice in their 20s (or even younger) to take hormones or have surgery. One woman worried that the 20s are a decade of identity construction and wondered what would happen if people changed their minds. A woman who worked at a gender clinic responded by saying that people do go back and forth and it’s not necessarily permanent. Some femme identified women expressed sadness that butches seem to be disappearing and requested the space to mourn that loss. A trans guy spoke up and said that he shouldn’t have to feel guilty about that and that not all trans guys ever identified as butch lesbians- an excellent point.

I think it’s hard for some of the women who identified as radical 1970s feminists to come to terms with the fact that bio women are now choosing to live as men or trans guys and everything in between. They fought for women’s rights and now “women” are dis-identifying. Of course many trans guys never identified as women, or never felt right about it, and an increasing segment are identifying as genderqueer. My perspective on it is that these women fought for choice and the choices might be different now, but it’s still about choice. We owe them our gratitude. It actually came out that some of the older women perhaps felt a bit jealous about the gender fluidity of the younger generation, which was a brave confession. Another woman spoke out and said that the term “70s feminist” was being thrown about and used as one homogeneous group and that she was a “70s feminist” who now identifies as genderqueer- another good point.

I think it comes down to inclusion- we’re all queer (at least in that room) and let’s build a supportive queer community- a space where we can all hold our collective and individual sorrows and joy and identify (or not identify) as whoever or whatever we choose. One woman made a comment about how she wasn’t into the butch/femme thing- didn’t like it. That’s great- but respect my choice to identify as femme (whatever that means to me) and I’ll respect your choice not to- fine with me. I’ve talked to a couple of lesbians who seem to have a problem with trans guys wanting to remain in the lesbian community. This just doesn’t make sense to me. Many trans guys grew up in the lesbian community and date lesbians or queer women (in the Halberstam book I’m reading, I actually just came across the term “transsensual femmes” for women who desire trans bodies). It’s not like trans guys just make this seamless transition and cash in on male privilege- they don’t. My ex, who is now a trans guy, has almost been beaten up twice now in SF by bio men who sensed difference and we’re going to shun them from the lesbian/queer community? I don’t think so.

There was a great moment at the end of the discussion when a self-identified butch woman said she looks around sometimes and wonders where the other butches are- who she can go have a beer with or talk about femmes with. And this trans guy turned around and said, “we can have a beer” to which she responded- “yeah, we can”. It was so simple, but I think exactly what needs to happen. And to end on a Buddhist point, everything is impermanent. We are impermanent. The identities we cling so tightly to and defend are impermanent. Let’s create the space for that- for fluidity, choice, inclusion and support.

I’ve been absent from the blogosphere for the last week or so- I’ve been quite busy. School is taking up enormous amounts of time, but it’s mostly good. It feels great to be spending so much of my time learning again- it’s opening a lot of doors. One way in which this program is different from my last graduate program is that there are tests. I’m good with remembering concepts and applying them, but having to memorize lists of information is definitely challenging when you haven’t done it in a while. I feel like it’s good exercise for my brain. I think going from a job where I was doing 10 things at once and checking e-mail and chatting to this makes me realize how the internet affects our attention spans. It’s been nice to get away from it a bit.

I also celebrated my birthday last Saturday (i’m a libra….of course). Instead of doing the usual going out thing, I took part in a mini retreat with my dharma group, at the end of which I took Buddhist refuge vows. The Buddhist refuge vows are a way of committing yourself more formally to studying the dharma and practicing. I was a bit unsure at first of whether I wanted to take part, but when I found out it was taking place on my birthday, it seemed like a  sign. The teacher who gave the vows was really great. We had time Friday evening to learn more about what taking refuge means and were able to ask him questions, and he put all my concerns to rest. He had this wonderful calmness about him, but was also a bit sarcastic…which I relate to. We were able to invite friends to the vow ceremony, so my dear friend who introduced me to Buddhism (and was also my very first girlfriend 10 years ago!) and another friend who I kind of introduced to Buddhism/meditation came and it was quite lovely. It just felt right. This past week I even made myself a little meditation altar to formalize my practice a bit more and it’s been kind of reminding and inspiring me to take the time to sit everyday…some days longer than others, but I feel it’s the consistency that’s key.

 There are many more things I want to write about- I went to a Buddhist Psychology talk last night with Mark Epstein and Jack Kornfield and I’m off to the Queer Bodies in Psychotherapy conference next week in San Francisco, which I’m quite excited about. I will make an effort to squeeze in some posts in between studying.

And a PS- I urge folks to check out Rachael Yamagata’s new cd Elephants. I can’t stop listening to it- beautiful lyrics and lush music. There’s a duet with Ray Lamontagne that’s really sweet and lovely. I’d love to hear what you all think…

There’s been some conversation this week on Sublimefemme  on “femme pleasure” in relation to consumerism. I just want to say that the emphasis on the outer when we discuss femme is quite off putting to me. I understand that a part of femme identity has to do with presentation- you’re more likely to find me in a skirt than a suit and tie. However, what are the inner qualities of femme? Do other people think there are any? For me, in addition to my outer style, it has to with being (or striving to be) kind, nurturing, caring, etc. It’s about a warmth of spirit, an earthiness, a desire to take care of the people I love. It also has to do with how I define my desire in relation to my butch partners- it’s a way of relating in those relationships. It points me in a direction and helps me achieve balance. I also think of femme in terms of owning, understanding and being in control of my desire.

That being said, the concept of “high” and “low” femme seems problematic to me. Why must we assign ranks?! I thought the revolutionary part of building our own queer subcultures was that we don’t have to use the tools that built the mainstream culture. High and low implies hierarchy. Is it just me? Why can’t we all just do femme in the way that feels comfortable to us and not have to quantify it on some rating scale? Let’s consider the class issues that come into play when we look at ”high” femme. It costs money and is therefore exclusionary to a great many. If you have money and that’s what you’re into- great, but why is that “high”?

I think we need more emphasis on taking care of each other. Instead of spending $400 on a pair of shoes (which may be beautiful), why not use that extra money to feed the hungry kid down the street? Or instead of obsessing about the new fall clothes we want, why don’t we go volunteer our time at a shelter? These conversations about femme style and such are fun to a point, but what about the homeless queer kids that don’t have the luxury to to even think about the intricacies of their identity presentations because they’re busy just trying to survive? Let’s have conversations about how femmes can come together and help… and don’t worry, we can look good doing it